The used to use the scales they weigh the whales with

In addition to looking like a guy whose nights include eating a can of Hormel chili and a half dozen bologna tostadas, watching reruns of Elimidate and engaging in cyber sex with Neiva, “32/F/Panama”, Mike Gittleson has done an admirable job playing the role of “guy who fucks up almost as much as Jim Herrmann”

Gittleson, you may remember, is the strength and conditioning coach who not only condones, but has received the coaching staff’s approval for such failsafe dieting regimens:

“Since arriving at Michigan in 2001, Pat Massey also has done something else virtually nonstop that many people could only dream about. At the urging of strength coach Mike Gittleson, Massey devours massive quantities of food. On a typical day, he'll eat steak, potatoes and eggs for breakfast, a pizza for lunch and then really does some serious chowing down at the team's buffet line.

"I'll put three plates on a tray and just fill 'em up," he said.

If that's not enough, Massey and roommate Adam Stenavich, an offensive tackle, will often get a snack before going to bed.

Combining the high calorie intake with weight training, Massey has gained nearly 60 pounds during the past three years. He can now hold his ground against the 300-pound tackles he's matched against every fall Saturday.

The more he has filled out his frame, the better he has performed. Head coach Lloyd Carr calls him the team's most improved player.

"He had to play a year ago when he did not have the strength to get off the blockers," Carr said. "Now, he has the ability to do that and I think he's improved as a pass rusher."

It’s never really football season until that little nugget is unearthed once again. Don’t worry, Pat, the vouchers for your two complimentary angioplasties are in the mail. And not only that, Gitty must have driven the carpool to the Ypsilanti Elks Lodge for six months, at least, to not get called out for that shit; Lloyd even complements Pat’s progress. “I think field trips to Little Cesar’s are incredibly beneficial to the evolution of this football program.” Somehow I think things would be different if Lloyd was forced to be that blunt.

Perhaps now that the Herrmann’s found a new home on the New York Jets, where the bubonic rat-equivalents living in his playbook can ignite another pandemic, Lloyd got Gittleson and the rest of his boy scouts together to discuss things like “salad” and “how a vinaigrette instead of the Hidden Valley ranch all the fucking time might not be a bad idea.”

(from Larry Large’s Associated Press article on Michigan (August 8))

"Our quickness and mobility I thought was an area we could really improve," Carr said. "We made a concentrated effort in terms of diet and our conditioning program. We worked hard and ran a lot, probably more than we have. We go into this season as a more fit team than we have had in the past."

He’s entirely right. Not only were ball pursuit skills adequate at best throughout most of the campaign (though this could just as easily be attributed to poor play recognition, which the coaches could be held responsible for), but Grant Mason, bastion of mediocrity, was necessitated by depth issues to take the team’s No. 2 cornerback job. Without Ryan Mundy at free safety and Ernest Shazor at strong safety, the defensive backs’ logistical reinforcements weren’t really any better than the guys they were protecting. While the Big 10’s reputation for speed is about what the Cadillac’s is – in relation to the eight cylinder, Ferrari/Lamborghini panache of the west and southeast – Michigan’s problems had much more to do with endurance and stamina.

Last season Michigan allowed more rushing yards and rushing touchdowns in the fourth quarter than any other; their yard-per-carry average was also second worst of the four. In fact, they allowed more rushing touchdowns in the fourth quarter (7) than in the previous three combined. Statistically their fourth quarter pass defense was excellent in relation to the other quarters, though in losses to Wisconsin (Stocco, 3-5 on scoring drive), Ohio State (Smith, 7-8 on game-winning scoring drive) and Nebraska (Taylor, 2-2 on what would be the game-winning scoring drive), opposing quarterbacks either threw for touchdowns or led scoring drives with their arms late in the fourth quarter. Basically, in three losses (enough alone to brand the season an underachievement) their numerical success was mostly irrelevant and misleading.

For comparison, Ohio State allowed just 102 yards rushing in the fourth quarter over the entire season. Michigan allowed 474. Ohio State’s yard-per-carry allowed was 1.15, while Michigan’s was 4.43.

Below is a chart of Michigan’s reported weight changes in the off season – Only notable gains/losses and those of integral players are listed here. While most of these numbers are presumed to be accurate (confirmed by various media outlets, etc.) Brandon Graham is listed at 240 pounds despite mentioning in a Rivals video interview that he weighed over 270. Maybe we’ll just consider all the freshman numbers to be bogus.

- Mike Hart and Steve Breaston, two Tulips in both beauty and delicacy, put on a few pounds after sitting out different periods of last season because of injuries. The gains they made (5 and 4 pounds respectively) seem more likely a result of the weight room war of attrition rather than having torn a page from one of Gittleson’s retired cook books. Expect all speed and agility to be well intact.

- Adams, Sears and Harrison – three of the more promising young defensive backs – put on weight. This could be that the diligent English, who has a preference for larger defensive backs, is wasting no time installing a new defensive philosophy that features a rover position, more 4-2-5 formations, etc.

- I’m not going to mention the weight loss of the offensive line, since you’ve heard about it already. But the weight gain of the defensive line is interesting. Considering the difficulties stopping the run late in games last year, as well as Carr’s supposed dedication to addressing it, adding weight rather than losing it seems strange; though it might not be an awful idea. With a deeper line this season (Woodley, Jamison, Biggs, Branch, Taylor, Van Alstyne, as well as Walton and Will Johnson, who have both improved) the defense can now afford to rotate players rather than put four oxen yoke onto Gabe, Woodley, Branch and Biggs and ride them until they stop breathing. The line can maintain its size, and essentially – if you look at a fresh body as an extension of the original – add some speed at the same time. Also, it seems Alan Branch’s time as a defensive end is over, save for the usual 3-4 alignments. He’s now 330 pounds (19 heavier than last year), with Jamison and Woodley both healthy.

Also worth mentioning, Prescott Burgess is listed at 246 on the roster, though it was reported at the Michigan media day that he was down to 235. The fact that a non-freshman was reported incorrectly on MGoBlue has the potential to ruin just about everything I’ve written before this, but let’s assume the reports are true that Burgess lost the weight because he’d used his recent demotion in practice as motivation, and that had come after the roster weights were updated.

Left is a picture from his senior year of high school (when he was recruited as a safety), middle is a picture from last year, right is from media day this year. Looks like he lost weight to me.

- Lastly, the results are in from Lloyd's media day transcript:

Great- 28 times
Very- 19 times
Really- 15 times
Wonderful- 8 times
Outstanding- 8 times
Excellent- 4 times
Extreme- 4 times
Tremendous- 2 times

And so you know, Charlie Weis said "great" 11 times during Notre Dame's media day, and Charlie’s was about 2,200 words longer. Your boy Double-L throws superlatives around like a third grade parent teacher conference.